The Game
Set - noun: a group of people in a social setting. A two-set is a group of two people; a three-set is three people, and so on. Sets may contain women, men or both.
I looked over to the far side of the lounge. There was a two-set by the window and from what I could tell they were intimidatingly attractive.
“It’s your set”, motioned Pete with a tip of his beer bottle, indicating that it was my turn to approach. Three-second rule. One. What was I to open with? Should I run with one of the many openers that we’d used before? Two. Perhaps the setting called for something more spontaneous and situational? Three.
With a breath of courage I grabbed my beer and walked over.
Now before I continue, approaching random women in bars is not something I’ve been known to do, so I’ll shed some background on what brought me to this very moment in time.
Several months ago, I came across a book entitled ‘The Game’, which unbeknownst to me at the time was to have life altering implications. The sort of life altering significance that kissing a girl (or boy) for the first time tends to imply. You know what I’m talking about.
PUA - noun [pickup artist]: a player who excels at the game.
The book is written as a biography from the perspective of Neil Strauss who, over the course of two years gains access to a community of PUAs and transforms himself from a balding journalist to a man irresistible to women.
This community was made up men who had committed themselves to seducing women. The art of seduction was broken down into a science and interactions with women suddenly became abstract design patterns. Common situations were described as different patterns, each of which had its own optimal solution depending on the context.
Whilst I was a little uncomfortable with the level of which the game objectified women, I could appreciate the science of it all. There was now a clarity in how my successes and failures in this area were not a result of destiny or bad luck, but a poor understanding of the dynamics of my interaction with women. I have always believed in my own innate ability to determine my own reality; start a business, get fit, eat healthy, or any other form of lasting change; but I never believed that this potential could transcend into the area of relationships.
Now I know better.
This was my biggest takeaway from ‘The Game’. Not the profound ability to seduce any woman I wanted, but the realisation that anyone could determine their own outcomes in this area without the aid of fate or serendipity.
The Approach
Wing - noun: a male friend, generally with some pickup knowledge, who assists one in meeting, attracting, or taking home a woman.
The venue was rather target poor. In fact, I was approaching one of only three sets. They sat facing each other, on separate couches next to the window on the other side of the lounge.
Walking towards them, I focused on what I was going to say and on saying it with confidence. The three-second rule doesn’t allow you time to get nervous.
“Hi. My mate and I are looking for something to do tonight, and I was wondering if you knew of any good Tuesday night venues?”
“Oh sorry, we’re not from around here.”
“Ah, really? Where are you from?”
“Germany.”
I was beginning to panic, but like any good wing, Pete followed behind closely and was ready to enter the set.
“Actually, my roommate is from Germany. Guten Tag, mein name ist Peter.”
While Pete managed to get a giggle from the girls, they were still apprehensive about our intentions. I distinctly remember a glance that they had given each other in response to our approach. You could see it in their eyes, “these guys are trying to pick us up.” It’s a glance that surpasses all cultural barriers. The glance of death that makes or breaks your game.
So we sat down.
We barraged with question after question about Germany and travelling, until after what seemed like ten minutes of interrogation the girls finally began warming up to us. Their body language opened up and instead of each other, they were now looking at us.
Middle Game
IOI - noun [indicator of interest]: a sign a woman gives a man that indirectly reveals she is attracted to or interested in him.
Anyone who watches professional sport can appreciate the manner in which athletes are able to anticipate the movements of their team-mates and react accordingly. With the same level of skilful artistry we anticipated each other’s movements and isolated the girls. We were now free to continue our conversations with the sole attention of each girl.
This was no longer the approach. We were now in the rapport building phase.
What is seemingly the more forgiving phases, middle game is probably the most difficult. The outcome is determined by what is said and done during this phase and it is important to be aware of the direction of the interaction and escalate accordingly. If the target invests in the interaction in the form of an IOI, you relate, reward accordingly and escalate to the next level. It’s a fragile balance of push and pull.
Having said that, I had no middle game whatsoever.
As it turns out, her friend was leaving for Sydney the next day and she was staying alone in Melbourne for another week. We talked about the life of a backpacker and how, despite meeting many people in her travels, there was still a feeling of lonely melancholy. She revealed her frustrations with how difficult it was to meet people she liked. She told me about her diet of bread and cheese, and we talked about Melbourne’s fine cuisine and culture.
I failed to pickup on her IOIs. I didn’t really relate. And I certainly didn’t escalate. To be honest, I was too busy enjoying the conversation.
When Pete’s bladder got the better of him, he got up for a bathroom break, leaving me to entertain the girls on my own. Nothing would prepare me for what he was to do next.
He returned with another girl he opened at the bar.
When we looked at each other, nothing needed to be said. There was definitely something different about tonight. Perhaps the stars were aligned in our favour. Perhaps our recent birthdays combined to create some sort of astrological anomaly. In either case, what we lacked in solid game, we more than made up for in confidence.
This girl certainly had a quality about her that demanded attention. No seriously, she was like an attention vacuum. It was hard not to notice, and it certainly didn’t hurt that she was quite attractive.
It was difficult to comprehend the situation that we were in. My nervous opener had evolved into a successful approach, Pete had successfully introduced another girl into the set, she in turn had introduced her friends; and we were now surrounded by girls.
Inner Game
The Four Stages of Learning
- Unconscious Incompetence: You don’t know what your problems are, nor how to identify them.
- Conscious Incompetence: You see your problems, but you don’t know how to correct them.
- Conscious Competence: You know how to correct your problems, but it will take time and practice.
- Unconscious Competence: You play well without thinking about it!
Like any form of personal development, there is always the anxiety of stepping beyond your comfort zone. That epiphany of conscious incompetence when you realise there’s an area of your life that needs to be addressed.
My pursuit of the game has negligible emphasise on the superficial elements of seducing or manipulating women, otherwise known as outer game. On the contrary, my search is for inner game; the confidence and self assuredness that only comes from being fulfilled in all the other areas of your life. It’s the happiness to be aware and uncompromising about who you are. There’s a fine line between seducing a woman and attracting her. It can almost be said that the former resembles outer game and the latter a product of inner game.
Number-Close - verb: to obtain a correct phone number from a woman. Note that giving a woman one’s own number does not constitute a number-close.
Soon it was time for the first two to leave, and as they got up we said our good byes and wished them well in their journeys. The thought of number-closing hadn’t even occurred to me. Perhaps I could have. Perhaps I should have. But I was feeling nonchalant.
Besides, my interest had been piqued by another girl in the set.
John Ngo
- John is a web developer and serial entrepreneur who moonlights as a croupier.
- Published: March, 2007
It brings a smile to my face and fills me with excitement reading about your personal journey.. searching for “inner game.” It’s somewhat perceived perception and gives me goosebump to think I have no foresight at all.
You know what you’re looking for, and I admire that.
Number close friend..
Francis
- March 24th, 2007, 9:43 am
Firstly, Ku-dos to a comprehensive well written article. *claps claps. (I was nodding my head and laughing at some parts, amusing really…)
However; perhaps the whole notion of guys reading other guys books on ‘the how to’s of getting a womens’ attention?’ is a far fetch cry, on the sadness and must I say it ‘lameness’ of guys aka boys of today’s society. Though, i shouldn’t interrogate, as i am, one of many girls who complain that guys ‘don’t know anything’ and i suppose this book signifies some sort of effort for guys to improve. *good on yous for trying!
Nevertheless, suggesting that the act of ‘mating’ or ‘meeting chicks’ is all calculated, somewhat, deters the ‘romanticism’ of meeting people in the first place. Unfortunately, the guy that wrote up the ‘game’ probably had/has an alter-ego the size of china! and let me guess, this author is still running around in his late 30’s or 40’s seducing plentiful women? How sad?! seriously what a sad life, as like johnny, this book just simply underpins the importance of self happiness or shell i say it ‘inner game’. Agreeably, inner game results to confidence? and if it doesn’t maybe the problems are concerned with self-esteem or even pride issues.
Do you recall the 90’s? remember the spice girls and the all famous term “GIRL POWER” well that was all about confidence. You boys should learn, “Boy Power” (LOL sounds lame ((it is!)) BUT). What i’m trying to get at is, you don’t need no ‘game’ to be in the wonderful presences of women. It’s all about confidence, self-happiness and just being yourself!.
**Please, don’t even try to put some sense in me if you don’t adhere to what i wrote. I have a very pragmatic stubborn mind and it works in its own special way.
Joy
- September 14th, 2007, 8:46 am